


I miss him, even though he is still here

by leszayn



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Hurt, Love, Niall-centric, Zayn-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-24
Updated: 2013-11-24
Packaged: 2018-01-02 12:14:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1056649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leszayn/pseuds/leszayn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The title kinda says it all</p>
            </blockquote>





	I miss him, even though he is still here

**Author's Note:**

> A new story, with Zayn as a first-person narrative :)
> 
> Hope you like it.

He woke up suddenly, sweating and breathing heavily.

"Niall" I called waking up from the bed beside his, I stood up from the bed tiredly and went over to the commode on the other side of the bedroom we were sleeping in.

I brought some pills and a glass of water, I walked over to his bed, where his fast and heavy breathing were clearly heard, he was sitting up on the bed and covering his face with his hands trying to calm down.

"Here" I said handing him the glass of water and the pills, he took down his hands from his face and took them, not looking at me, taking the pills and drinking the water right afterwards, swallowing the pills.

"Is it the nightmares again?" I asked, he nodded handing over the glass of water back to me, I put it on the night table beside the bed, he nodded running his hand through his hair and sighing.

"I am tired of this" Niall said looking up at me, "Is it the colours again?" I asked, he nodded, "it's weird, it scares me, just colours suddenly appearing everywhere, I don't know what it is" Niall said looking away while explaining. "No pictures of anything, you didn't see anything?" I asked him, he shook his head, "no it's just moving colours, it's like they are trying to form some pictures of something, but it's just not happening" he said.

He looked up at me, "sorry I woke you up again" Niall said, with his blue eyes glowing clearly and dominating over the darkness surrounding the room.

"It's fine" I said giving him a weak smile, "at least I didn't scream tonight" Niall said chuckling, "yeah" I said looking down at my suddenly interesting feet with my hands in the deep pockets of my sweatshirt.

"You can go back to sleep if you want, Zayn" he said, I looked up, he smiled at me, I returned his smile with a weak smile. "It's alright" I said walking over to my bed, "You know I can't sleep after waking up" I said lying on the bed, putting my hands behind the back of my head lying on the pillow, one leg bent up on the bed and the other one just stretching straight on the bed.

"No, I didn't know that actually" he said leaning back against the headboard of the bed, only his lower body covered with the sheets of the bed, "oh" I said gulping silently, "well you know now" I said turning my head from my position looking at him. He nodded, turning his head from looking at Zayn to looking right in front of himself and around the dark room.

A small moment of silence occured, everything was silent, only the sound of the ticking of the clock and the slow breathing of ours sounding.

"Zayn" Niall called breaking the silence and looking at my way, I looked at him, facing his pale face, with his shiny blue eyes glistening from it, and the glance of the brown hair popping up from underneath the almost unseen dyed blonde hair in the dark.

"Yes" I answered, "I am really tired of these so called "nightmares", I mean they do scare me, but for how long more are they gonna stay, I've heard about people having nightmares and I never heard about anyone having them for months?" Niall let out moving his pink lips forming the words just said to me. "It'll pass" I said assuring him, "don't worry" I said hestitatingly, "it'll pass" I repeated looking away and up on the roof, with the plastic glowing stars glowing from up there and the big plastic moon in the middle.

Niall looked in front of himself again, at the brown commode standing in the room, with a frame on top of it with a small picture inside of the band, him and his bandmates from One Direction, he smiled. "I haven't seen the boys for quite a while, like really seen them" he said with his thick irish accent clearly sounding with the pronounciation of those words.

I looked at him, "I know, me too actually" I said looking up again, "well, they have been quite busy with everything after the tour, their family, girlfriends and all that" I said letting out a small cough after that, "bless you" Niall said, I nodded to him as a thank you. "I am glad you are here though" he said looking at me smiling, I looked at him returning his smile.

"So Harry has apparently found a girl hasn't he, finally" Niall said, "yeah" I said looking up again, "how long have they been dating, a month now, right? What was her name again?" Niall asked, "Jenniffer" I answered, "oh yeah" he said, "she is cute" He said, "really cute and sweet, I like her" I said.

"Zayn" he said again after a small moment of silence reoccuring in the room. "Yeah" I said looking at him, "have you ever felt... Love" he finally let out looking at me, I looked at him then up again, "why would you wanna know that?" I asked him, "I don't know" he said looking down at his hands, "just curious" he said.

I got up, sitting straight up on the bed, facing him, "well" I said sighing, "I have actually" I answered, he looked at me, "you have?" He asked, I nodded. " So" he asked, "how is it?" He asked, "it's good" I answered, "beautiful" I said. "Where is your lover?" He asked, "it didn't work out" I answered looking at him, "ouh, sorry to hear that" he said, "it's alright" I said gulping again, "the right guy will come to me eventually, unless something bad happens of course" I said, he nodded.

"I want to try it" he said, "I've seen it in movies and stuff, it's beautiful I think, in the movies, but I really want to try it in real life, sometimes I feel really lonely knowing all the boys have girlfriends except for me, do you think they have like a love relationship. They are young aren't they, we are quite young to love" Niall said, I nodded. "Actually no" I said, "age is not the matter, you can find the one for you at any moment now" I answered, he nodded looking down at his hands.

I went over to his bed sitting on it beside him, I could predict what he was thinking. "Hey, don't worry okay" I said, he looked up at me, "you'll find love, you are gonna find love, someday you'll find the right one for you, that person will come someday, you have quite a life time in front of you, love is beautiful, it really is so pure and beautiful", I explained. "I know that one day it'll come to you, and change your life forever, It'll make you the happiest guy on earth, you'll feel like the whole point of living was because of that moment, feeling it, and you'll feel like all of the struggles in life were worth it just living that moment, it'll be worth it", I continued. "Love is really strong, it'll make you do anything to make this person happy, I personally, really, really hope that your future person will love you as much as I know you would, cause I know you deserve it" I said, he smiled blushing and looking down.

"Thank you" he said smiling at me, I smiled in return, "If I ever get married, I would sure want you to be my first bestman" he said smiling to me, "even the first on the guest list for sure!" he said chuckling, I smiled, "sounds good" I said.

"Thanks for being here for me, really, through all of this and through all of the tough nights I've had lately, it really helps me a lot that you are here, makes me calmer, I really didn't know what I would do if you weren't here helping me go through this through the screams and sweat and breakdowns and I love you, really, you are the nicest friend anyone could ever have" he said smiling to me, "Thanks" I said smiling at him.

"Are you hungry?" I asked him, he looked at me, "you are a mind reader!" He said laughing, "I'll go up and make you a sandwich alright" I said standing up, "I love you so much, you are amazing!" He said pointing at me, winking, I chuckled making my way to the door, opening it and going out of our shared bedroom, closing the door after me, standing still in front of it with my back facing it, keeping my hand, not removing it from the grab of the golden round handle of the door.

I took my other free hand up to my mouth covering it, I accidentally let out a quite sob, my eyes began stinging, tears welling up in my eyes, I leaned slowly against the door, freeing the handle from the grab of my hand and putting it over the hand that was covering my mouth, I let out another sob, a tear started to make it's way down my cheek, I slide down against the door sitting on the floor, crying.

More tears started slowly competing, sliding down my cheeks, I sobbed with both of my hands covering my mouth, realizing what just happened in there, I closed my eyes and sobbed and cried more, tears unstoppable from welling up in my eyes and streaming down my cheeks and sobs uncontrollable.

"Zayn" someone called, I opened my eyes, it was Harry, he slowly walked over to me and bent down in front of me, "what's happening, what are you doing here at this time of night?" He asked looking at me, I shook my head looking at him, more and more tears forming in my eyes. "It's hopeless, he is hopeless, everything is" I said with a sobby voice, moving my hands covering my whole face and my eyes, I hate crying in front of someone.

"No, please don't say that, this is not you, I know you, you are optimistic and always look at the good side of things and always full of hope, raising our hopes too when things are tough, please don't let that go away, I love that side of you" Harry said. I shook my head, "what's the good side about this, all it has done for the past year is torture me to death, sometimes I even wish I was dead!" I said looking at him with my now red and puffy eyes.

"Please don't say that" Harry said pulling me in for a hug, I wrapped my arms around him, putting my head in his shoulder and crying.

I looked i front of me from Harrys shoulder and saw her, Jenniffer, standing there with a worried look in her eyes looking at us, Harrys beautiful, a whole 2 years long lover, it made me cry even more clenching my hands in Harrys back.

"Do you know what he said in there?" I asked him, "what did he say?" Harry asked whispering rocking me back and forth in between the hug.

"He asked me about love and do you know what I said" I asked, he shook his head, "I said that I have fallen in love before, he asked me where he was and I just said that it didn't work out, and it hurt" I said crying closing my eyes. "seeing him that oblivious of what is happening around him, seeing him oblivious of the love I still share for him and that he would never return it back again, the sparkle we had and all the love we shared, it's gone" I said squeezing my eyes, my eyes hurting from the crying, god knows how I looked at the time, horrible.

"He'll remember, I know he will, just please calm down" Harry said pulling out from the hug, "I hate seeing you like this" he said on the verge of crying wiping away the tears on my face, I sniffled from the crying, looking down at the carpet not facing him.

"No Harry" I said looking up at him, "it's all gone" I said with my sobby voice sniffling again and wiping away my tears, "today I realized that it's all never gonna be the same" I said, Harry shook his head, felling a tear. "No!" I said looking certain at him, "we are living reality here and it's never gonna be the same, he'll never remember, never, it's been a year now, all he sees me as, is his friend" I said felling some more tears, "no I know it will all come back, I know, love like that can't just dissappear, it can't" Harry continued shaking his head. "Stop doing this!" I shouted, "stop it, it's not gonna happen, it's the truth, you need to face it, stop telling lies!" I said pushing him crying, "I hate this!" I said standing up, "I hate everything!" I said about to walk away.

"Zayn, wait" Harry called standing up after me grabbing my arm before I left, "leave me alone" I said taking my arm away, "wait" Harry said following me, he stopped me standing in front of me, "leave me alone Harry, I need to be alone" I said turning around. "No" Harry said standing in front of me, stopping me again, "I said leave me alone!" I shouted backing away from him, "why don't you ever listen to me and leave me alone when I tell you to" I said looking at Jenniffer too.

"I hate you all, I don't want you around me just leave me for gods sake alone" I said stamping on the ground when saying it and crying. Harry came over and pulled me in for a tight hug, "shhh" Harry said rubbing my back with his hand, I cried, covering myself in his chest.

"I just want Niall to love me again" I said crying hard and sobbing, Harry looked at Jenniffer, she was crying too now covering her mouth with her hand, Harry looked down and closed his eyes lying his head on top of mine, "shhhh" he said again trying to calm me down, a few tears formed in his eyes slowly sliding down his cheeks.

"He even invited me to his future wedding, he said I could be his bestman" I whispered squeezing my eyes, still covering myself in Harry's warm chest not wanting to let go, "do you know how painful that was, I just smiled to him, I smiled to him as if it was okay but it wasn't, what if it really happens, I am gonna be his persons bestman" I let out crying again now. "I wish we could go back in time and prevent the accident from happening, then he would remember the love we had and the past two years" I said pulling out.

"We would go out again, like before, in the park and we would cuddle and eat and talk and run around each other in the good weather in the park, remember?" I said, he nodded crying looking at me, raising his finger up to my face and removing a lock of hair from my eyes, up to my other hair locks. He striked his finger down to my cheek touching it, "I remember" he let out sniffling.

"But that's not gonna happen again, is it, not like before" I said, Harry looked down crying, not knowing what to say. "Of course" I let out grabbing his hand and taking it down from my cheek. "I am sorry" Harry said looking at me, "It's not your fault" I said, "you didn't erase Nialls memory from the past 2 years" I said, "the accident did" I continued gulping hardly and remembering Niall on the white board being dragged away by doctors to the OR.

I shook my head removing that sight of him from my head.

"I need to go" I said, "where are you going?" Harry asked, "I need to make a sandwich for Niall, my friend" I said clenching my hands and biting my lip, "but no matter what, I really hope for him to find the person that'll love him as much as I did.... Or do" I let out turning around and making my way towards the kitchen.

Harry looked at me going, sad, he shaked his head covering his face with his hands, Jenniffer came along, she went over to him and gave him a hug, "I love you Harry" she said looking at him, Harry nodded looking at her. "I know you do" he said cupping her cheek, "I love you too" he said, trying to imagine his life without Jenniffer, unbearable and horrible.

He doesn't know how it feels, cause he never tried it, but he can imagine, and knowing that one of his best friends are going through this makes him want to let go of Jenniffer and go over to hug Zayn again instead, but he doesn't, he needs some time alone. And in the meantime he would need a hell lot of support from us, all of us, and he will get it, we'll help you Zayn, don't worry you have us forever and ever, I promise, Harry thought, closing his eyes and letting the last tear slowly roll down his cheek, tickling him.

He sniffled wiping away the tear, he looked at Jenniffer, "let's go check on Niall" Harry nodded, she nodded, and they made their way to the door, opening it and being welcomed by Niall to the memory less room and atmosphere... And Niall..

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for any grammar mistakes, once again, I am not a native English speaker so :)
> 
> But I really hope you like it, and if you didn't, well sorry.


End file.
